i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
