You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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