Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
