i would punch a child for taco bell
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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