I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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