I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
