Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
