Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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