FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
