you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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