Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
