Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
