I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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