ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He better not be in your backpack
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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