i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
