Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
