I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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