My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
