Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
