In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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