2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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