You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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