I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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