I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
