Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
