May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
