please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
