I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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