where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At least make sure they are 18
Why
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
