You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
