so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
