Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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