How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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