I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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