Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
