I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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