You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
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Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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