the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
