i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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