yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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