today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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