I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
