thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
