After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
