How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.