nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.