Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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