She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
