It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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