Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
