Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
