Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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