to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
