I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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