I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
