i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
