things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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