the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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