i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
