you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
