I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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