i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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