These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
