You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
